The Window

 

Those big brown eyes.  That is what I remember. Peering out the window

looking,

 searching,

waiting,

 desperate for a place to belong.

It hadn’t been easy.  7 ½ is too young for so much heartbreak. 

Now belonging would be found a thousand miles away.

A fresh start, as they say.

So much hopeful anticipation.

But none of it was easy.

Getting what you want almost never is.

Learning to trust, learning to love takes time.

A frustrating process.

Then one day

With no fanfare and no warning

The pieces fell into place.

No longer was she the little girl peering out a window

She was our daughter. Filling a space where I hadn’t even known a space existed.

We were a family.

Now a new journey is beginning.

The little girl is grown and ready to start her own life.

I feel stuck.

Not yet ready to let go, but knowing I can’t hang on.

Now it will be me

Watching out the window as she steps into her future.

Knowing she must move forward, but silently wishing she could stay.

Another fresh start.

What she makes of it is now up to her.

 

 

Can't wait to sleep on this tonight!

Selfish

It is selfish to want something for yourself? Not to share, but just for you.  My 9 (almost 10) yr old daughter would consider it a mortal sin for me to want something just for me. In her eyes everything should be shared at least with her and depending on what it is, with her brothers and sister.

I have spent the past 9 yrs and 4 months giving almost everything our kids. Time, money, love, interest, energy, heart and soul.  Honestly there hasn't been much left over for anyone or anything else. Looking back, maybe that wasn't the best way to do things, but I can't change the past.  I have to move forward and in moving forward things will have to change.

I am focusing more on me.  No more putting me and everything I want last.  Take my bed for example.  I have wanted a new bed for the past 6 years. It is lumpy, squeaky and generally uncomfortable.  I have done what I could with the mattress.  Turned it, added a foam topper, gotten really soft, amazingly comfortable sheets and even the perfect down comforter.  Nothing helped.

But new beds can cost a lot of money and it seemed that every time we had some extra money, one of the kids needed something.  Shoes, clothes, hair - don't even get me started on the cost of maintaining the hair of 2 African-American girls - something always came before what I wanted.

That ended today.  FedEx arrived at my door with the most amazing, perfect, could just make me cry mattress and two wondrous pillows.  I had been waiting for it for almost a week. The bed frame arrived 7 days ago. Now I am just waiting for 2 more pillows and a new foam topper.  My bedroom is starting to feel like a new room. A new room to go along with a new me.

I love my kids more than anything and I want to be able to give them everything they need and most of what they want, but I can't keep denying my wants just to make them happy. I deserve things too.

So my kids may be hearing "no" more than they have been used to and that is OK. They are loved, fed, clothed and very well taken care of.  The world isn't going to end if they can't have another Xbox game or Paper Jamz guitar every time they ask for one.

Next on my list is new paint for my bathroom.  A nice, tranquil purple would do just fine. And I have always wanted an armoire with room for clothes and a TV.  It makes me smile just thinking of the possibilities. My 9 yr old is going to have some adjusting to do.

Never thought I would have a blog.  Not sure that what I have to say will be of interest to anyone but me, but let's see how it goes :-)  More to follow...